What Trampolines Do To People
by Miya-Kome
Summary: Who ever knew that installing a simple trampoline could cause so much pain? ...And laughter.
1. Decapitation

I don't own Final Fantasy or any of its characters, so if you sue me, that will be a very mean and a not nice thing to do.  
  
Rated PG-13 for language & suggestive themes.  
  
What Trampolines do to People  
  
(There was a trampoline in the Garden't courtyard. Squall put it up there for some reason. Usually, there would be hundreds of little kids around it, but right now, everyone was away, but the high-pitched laugh could be heard for miles away...)  
  
Irvine: (sitting on ground) Gee, Selphie... Is that as high as you can go?  
  
Selphie: Wheee!!! No! I can go a lot higher! Just watch me! (she screamed as she flew even higher)  
  
Irvine: Oh, yeah... drools  
  
Squall: (standing behind Irvine) Irvine... I didn't set that damn thing up just for you to stare at Selphie's panties...  
  
Irvine: Yeah... But... They're so pretty!  
  
Squall: Listen, I know you have a fetish for dessing people up like a woman, but try not to display it too much... It's scaring people, I mean... Look at Zell.  
  
(They both look at Zell. He is running around, smelling flowers, singing: 'Irvine is a lo-ser! Irvine is a lo-ser! Irvine ca-an't hurt me! Irvine ca-an't hurt me!' All of a sudden he sees Irvine, screams, and sticks his head into the ground, thinking that he can't be seen.)  
  
Irvine: (ignoring Zell) ...Why? Are you saying that I shouldn't be who I am??? (a tear forms in his eye)  
  
Squall: AAHHH!!! I don't wanna get into this right now! Just tell her to stop jumping! I'm sick of hearing her giggle!  
  
Irvine: (makes a disgusted face) Higher!  
  
Squall: DAMMIT, IRVINE!!  
  
Selphie: WEEE! Squall, look at meee! (starts jumping higher)  
  
Squall: (mutters) God! Why can't she just die, or something?  
  
Selphie: SQUALL! YOU'RE NOT WATCHING! LOOK AT ME!  
  
Squall: Would you just shut up?! God... Some people...  
  
Selphie: SQUALL! LOOOOOOK! (she shrieked on...)  
  
Irvine: Higher, Selphie! drool  
  
Squall: GOD! I CAN'T TAKE IT! (he then jumped up on the trampoline and hacked off her head with his gunblade)  
  
Irvine: (shrieks) Oh my God!  
  
Quistis: (in a monotone) Oh, no. Hi killed Selphie. Whatever shall we do?  
  
Zell: You bastard!  
  
Quistis: What is going on here?!  
  
Squall: (as if nothing had happened) What???  
  
Quistis: What do you mean, what? You just chopped off Selphie's head!  
  
Squall: (another completely innocent look) I did not...  
  
Irvine: Oh my God! Why?! (Irvine sobs, and puts his face in his hands)  
  
Quistis: (to Irvine) Shut up, you girly! (bitchslaps him) (to Squall) Yes you did! I just saw you!!!  
  
Squall: You are OBVIOUSLY exaggerating.  
  
Quistis: what the hell? Her head is right by my foot!!!!!! (picks Selphie's head up off the ground) See?! (sticks Selphie's head into Squall's face)  
  
Squall: (keeps denying it) I don't see anything...  
  
(The two continued to argue. Zell came by and picked up Selphie's dead body, poked it, and giggled. The mumbling sound of Quistis and Squall arguing filled the backround, but they didn't notice. Zell then picked the body up and stood with it. He took Selphie's dead, limp arms and began to make her dance.)  
  
Zell: Ai, ai, ai, ai, stay'n alive! Stay'n alive!!!! (he sang as he made Selphie's body dance)  
  
Quistis: Squall, you SO killed Selphie! You can't deny it! I'm holding her head right here! (continues sticking Selphie's head right in Squall's face)  
  
Squall: No! Look, she can talk! (snatches the head from Quistis, and places his hands on her face and moved her mouth) Hi! I'm Selphie! Uhhhhh... DUR! ......uhhhhh BOYAKA! (he said in a distorted voice)  
  
Quistis: Oh, come on! You're moving your mouth! I can see...  
  
(Zell and the corpse danced and sang merrily around the two. He skipped and jumped all around the two who were now silent.)  
  
Quistis: Uhh... Zell? (Zell payed no attention to her) Zell! (she screamed again)  
  
Zell: Huh? (stops suddenly)  
  
Quistis: What the hell are you doing?  
  
Zell: I'm danc'n! (proud look)  
  
Quistis: Put the dead body down! (she snapped)  
  
Zell: But... (Zell whines)  
  
.........................................  
  
Quistis: ...Do you wanna go to Chuck E Chesses?  
  
Zell: Yay! Chunky Cheese Ass!  
  
Quistis: Then put the dead body down. NOW!!!!  
  
Zell: Fine... (the body plops down on the ground)  
  
(A mumbling was heard in the distance. Rinoa sways as she walked to the others.)  
  
Squall: (trembling) Oh no...  
  
Quistis: What...?  
  
Squall: It's Rinoa! (he said with fear in his voice)  
  
Rinoa: Come-on-guys-we-gotta-start-the-revolution-baby! (she hollered)  
  
(Her words were slurred, so she was obviously drunk again.)  
  
Quistis: I thought she was in rehab...  
  
Squall: I think they gave up on her and kicked her out... Hey, who's that following her?  
  
Quistis: Is that a...?  
  
(An army of greasy fat men followed behind her. The greasy fattness spread for miles and miles. They were sounding of thier war belches as they marched behind a very drunk Rinoa.)  
  
Rinoa: Viva-la-resistance! We-shal-march-on-even-if-it-may-drag-us-to-the- vally-of-the-shadow-of-of-of-uhhhhhhh-DEATH!-God-I-am-soooooooo-wasted- heheheh... (she screamed out to her herd of fat men)  
  
(She continued to walk towards the group and collapsed at their feet. At that moment, she vomited all over Squall's boots.)  
  
Squall: Oh Christ!  
  
(Rinoa keeps on vomiting on his shoes. When she was finished, she fell back on her hands and laughed a weird, drunken laugh. Suddenly, the vomit on Squall's shoes began to rumble and suddenly a little man popped up out of the vomit.)  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
More coming, soon! 


	2. Obesity

I don't own Final Fantasy or any of its characters, so if you sue me, that will be a very mean and a not nice thing to do.  
  
Rated PG-13 for language & suggestive themes.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
(The little man was wearing a purple vest, briefs, and some cowboy boots. He jumped out of the vomit and danced around the trampoline. He took one look at the still sobbing and now slightly confused and peed on his leg.)  
  
The Little Man: Ie! Ie! Ie! Me llamo Headmaster Cid! Mi perro es en la biblioteca con mis pantalones y mis madre! (the little man screamed)  
  
Quistis: What the hell did he just say? (starts watching the little man eat all of the fat men army)  
  
Squall: Hmm... Judging from my super Spanish skills I learned from becoming a SeeD, and because of me being an illegal Puerto Rican alien, he just said, "Hey! Hey! Hey! My name is Headmaster Cid. My dog is in the library with my pants and my mother!" ...I don't think Headmaster Cid really knows any Spanigh. It sounds like something someone really stupid would say and then would write it down for the fun of saying something stupid and laughing at it.  
  
Quistis: Wow. I think that's the most I've ever heard you say to me or in my general dirction. (takes out her whip and thwacks it against her hands) I don't like it.  
  
(She then began to whip Squall as he fell to the floor and rolled around. Zell watched and began to cry and wet his pants.)  
  
Zell: (crying) Stop it!  
  
Quistis: Damn it, Zell. Go change your underwear. I just washed your Power Ranger ones and they're sitting on your bed.  
  
Zell: Yay! (he screamed happily as he ran to change)  
  
(Irvine looked up from where the little man peed on him and looked around. Quistis was still beating Squall, Zell was running off to change his pants, Rinoa was passed out on the floor in her own puke, and fat men were slowly being eated by Cid, and Selphie's body was still rotting on the ground next to her head. He needed to do something, but what?)  
  
Irvine's Thought Process: Spam, underpants, President Bush. Canned beans, cicada, nostril, suck, newborn, hairless rats? Canada, slime, Harry Potter...  
  
Irvine: I have to do something! (he said to himself)  
  
(Irvine then go up and stepped on Rinoa's face, waking her up.)  
  
Rinoa: No! I'm not a sloth! ... (Rinoa said as she woke up from her drunken sleep.)  
  
Irvine: You have to help me! Cid is eating your army of fat men!  
  
Rinoa: No! They are my revolutionaries! I will not stand for this! Viva la resistance!  
  
(She screamed as she ran off to her army. She stood and watched the carnage. She reached into her shirt and pulled out a shiny object.)  
  
Rinoa: Fear me! (she hollered at Cid) For I am Santa's toilet treats!!!  
  
Quistis: What is it?! (she asked, stopping her rampage for a moment)  
  
Squall: I-I think it's... (Squall began to say, but was unsure)  
  
Quistis: What?! What is it?!  
  
Squall: IT'S HER SECRET WEAPON! THE MAGICAL CAN OF BEANS OF UNUSUAL DOOMFUL JUSTICE!  
  
Quistis: OH DEAR GOD, NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(In the distance, Zell was skipping back with his new pair of pants. Not watching where he was going, he accidintally tripped over Selphie's head and fell on his face. He got up and made a strange expression and then his face turned to a dark shad of crimson.)  
  
Quistis: What is it, Zell? It'd better be important. I don't have time for yor shenanigans. Rinoa is in a drunken state and is threatening people with a fearful can of beans.  
  
(Zell's face was pink for a moment. He looked like he was going to cry, but instead he burst out laughing.)  
  
Quistis: What is your problem, Zell?!  
  
Zell: I...  
  
Quistis: What?  
  
Zell: I... (he said again)  
  
Quistis: Just tell me, dammit! "You" what?!?!?!?!  
  
Zell: I POOPED MY PANTS! (starts laughing like an idiot)  
  
Quistis: (shaking her head in disbelief) Now, Zell. I don't see any trace of excrements on you.  
  
(Squall got up from his defensive position on the ground and stood looking downward. A maniacal laugh began to emanate from his throat.)  
  
Squall: He...he...he...he...he...  
  
Quistis: Squall? What are you laughing about?  
  
(Squall just continued to laugh in that weird way.)  
  
Quistis: What's going on?  
  
Squall: Guess what? (he said still looking down)  
  
Quistis: (voice shaking) Wh... What?  
  
Squall: (Suddenly Squall looked up and he was pulling his face in weird directions making his face all buggy like a sea bass.) LOOK AT ME! I'M A NAKED ANTALOPE! SNIFF MY ASS AND MARRY ME! (Squall's screams as he jiggles his face for extra emphasis.)  
  
Quistis: Hehe.... Squall! I love it when you talk all sexy and stuff!  
  
(Suddenly, Irvine jolted up)  
  
Irvine: (shouts) WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! FOR GOD'S SAKE, SELPHIE IS DEAD, RINOA IS DRINK, AND OBVIOUSLY ZELL HAS THE I.Q. OF A BUSH! AND LASTLY, CID IS RAPING A PANDA!  
  
(everyone looked at Irvine and then at Cid, who was indeed raping a panda bear)  
  
Voice: Ew... (a voice came from the back)  
  
Squall: Look! It's a bird!  
  
Zell: It's a plane!  
  
Quistis: No, you morons. It's not even flying...  
  
Squall: Then what is it?  
  
Quistis: It's Laguna... And he's selling meat!  
  
Squall: Oooh! meat! Hey... Laguna looks different...  
  
Irvine: My God, are you stupid?! He's gained three-hundred pounds! Of course he's different, he's a fucking whale!  
  
Laguna: (begins to dance around and sing) We've got the meat, we've got the meat, YEAH, we've got the meat!  
  
Zell: Meat... HEHE MEAT! (rolls around on the ground, laughing)  
  
Squall: I want some meat!  
  
Quistis: Me too!  
  
(Laguna just made a weird burbly fat noise and began to dance, throwing meat at passerbys...)  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
More will come, but I'm having a serious brain fart right now... I have some ideas, but it's not enough... Give me suggestions for the next one! 


End file.
